TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the standard Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're speaking Damascus, town historically recognized for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be great. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from your putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the greatest. But now, we are making them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully away from put. Intended by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable h2o. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have An additional area where American Gentlemen can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace attempt because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When earlier negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Anyone a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is delicate power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside a war zone. It is really that he should really halt employing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested regarding the venture, replied, "You are aware of, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a suite for "long run proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Area, a characteristic currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents and also the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after obtaining the creating's gold plating reflected a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It can be not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Baffling Attributes


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which attendees may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Method: "When you Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advert campaign, recently leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Short term. Luxury is Forever."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is by now attracting awareness from Global investors, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll obtain three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional amount may also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences advise:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to build a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten Trump Tower Damascus associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Views within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It necessary a waterslide formed similar to the Constitution. I gave everything three. You're welcome."

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